Category Archives: Poetry

Archie Bunker on Cave Women, Cave Men & First Fags

The old days, when you could JOKE and laugh about things.

To All My Children…

To all my children,

Knowledge is power. Power is freedom.

Here’s a belated list of basic necessary life skills for you to develop and overcome as adults that I found on the internet today.

My point in sending is to provide you with a head start focus on all the ones I failed to acquire and pass along.  

Love always,
Dad

40 Lessons To Teach Your Children Before They Leave Home

“Millennials” have been the butt of a million jokes about incompetence. The generation born between 1981 and 1996 is considered entitled, ultra-liberal, and naive about how life works. But maybe they’ve gotten a bad rap because what no one ever points out is that maybe the issue isn’t with these young people but with how they were raised. I know that my own millennial daughter is competent, frugal, and independent.

https://www.zerohedge.com/s3/files/inline-images/2019-06-29_12-10-05.jpg?itok=x6nHdP5A

As a parent, the most important job I will ever hold is “mom” to my two daughters. And if I’m not teaching them the important life lessons they need to survive and thrive in this crazy world, I’m not doing a very good job at all. Of course, once they get out there, there are a million variables, but how they deal with those variables has a lot to do with whether they were raised to think independently or raised to wait for rescue.

While I raised girls, I think it’s essential that we teach our kids skills outside the typical gender roles. Boys need to know how to cook. Girls need to know how to fix things. Maybe it won’t be their lot in life to do things outside their traditional roles, but take it from someone who never planned to become a single mom, things don’t always go the way you expect.

As my younger daughter prepares to leave the nest (*mom sobbing*) I feel confident she’ll be just fine because I’ve taught her to the best of my ability the things she needs to know to be a successful adult.

The skills you teach your children while they’re your captive audience will see them through many things – not just everyday life but also through a potential disaster.

Everyday skills every young person should have

Here are the lessons that I think every parent needs to teach their child, whether you’re raising boys or girls. Before leaving the nest, they should be able to:

  1. Cook inexpensive, nutritious meals from scratch
  2. How to use up leftovers
  3. Get from point A to point B using public transit or under their own power
  4. Budget limited money so that the most important things are paid first
  5. Mend and repair items instead of replacing them
  6. Take a course in First Aid, CPR, and anything else applicable that is offered.  The more you know, the calmer you are able to remain during a crisis.
  7. Have a good basic First Aid kit and know how to use everything in it
  8. Know some home remedies for various common illnesses: teas for tummy aches, treatment for flu symptoms, how to soothe skin irritations, and how to care for a fever
  9. Drive.  Not only an automatic transmission but also a standard transmission
  10. Change a tire.  You don’t want your teenage daughter stranded on the side of the road at the mercy of whoever stops to help. My daughters were not allowed to drive the car until they demonstrated their ability to change the tire with the factory jack.
  11. Perform minor maintenance, like checking the oil and fluid levels, filling up the washer fluid, checking tire pressures and topping them up if needed, and changing the windshield wiper blades.
  12. Use basic tools for repairs
  13. Cook a healthy meal from scratch
  14. Cook a “company” meal – everyone needs one delicious meal that’s a little fancier they can cook when they have a guest
  15. Grocery shop within a budget and have healthy food for the week ahead
  16. Speaking of that, how to budget in general, so that they don’t have “too much month and not enough money”
  17. How to clean
  18. How to do laundry, including stain removal
  19. How to think for themselves and question authority
  20. How to budget for holidays and vacations
  21. How to manage their time to get necessary tasks accomplished by the deadlines
  22. How to tell the difference between a want and a need
  23. How to be frugal with utilities and consumable goods
  24. How to pay bills
  25. How to stay out of debt (not easy with the college credit card racket that you see on campuses across the country and rampant student loans)
  26. How to pay off debt if they have it
  27. How to keep safe: they need to have basic self-defense and weapons-handling skills.
  28. How to navigate with a paper map – not Google or their car’s GPS
  29. How to make extra money fast if an emergency arises

Emergency skills every young person should have

Some of the skills above will cross over into emergencies, like First Aid. Outside of the basics of everyday life, your kids leaving home should know:

  1. How to light a fire
  2. How to cook safely over an open fire
  3. How to keep warm when the power is out, whether that means safely operating an indoor propane heater, using the wood stove/fireplace, or bundling up in a tent and sleeping bags in the living room
  4. How to keep themselves fed when the power is out – they should have enough supplies on hand that they can stay fed at home for up to two weeks: cereal, powdered milk, granola bars, canned fruit, etc.
  5. How to deal with the most likely disasters in their area
  6. About the dangers of off-grid heating and cooking, such as the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning in unventilated rooms.
  7. How to purify water
  8. How to keep safe both at home and when they’re out. Be sure they know the difference between cover and concealment
  9. How to do laundry by hand and hang it to dry
  10. How to keep things sanitary without running water
  11. How to acquire food: foraging, fishing, gardening, hunting

It’s our job to make sure our kids are competent when they leave home.

Source: ZeroHedge

Cats And Dogs

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
 -George Carlin

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
-Robert A. Heinlein

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
-Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.”
-James Herriot, James Herriot’s Cat Stories

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
-Mark Twain

“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”
-Ernest Hemingway

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.”
-Leonardo da Vinci

“Time spent with a cat is never wasted.”
-Colette

“A lie is like a cat: You need to stop it before it gets out the door or it’s really hard to catch.”
-Charles M. Blow (columnist)

“It is very inconvenient habit of kittens (Alice had once made the remark) that, whatever you say to them they always purr.”
-Lewis Carroll (author, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland)

“Cats choose us; we don’t own them.”
-Kristin Cast (author, House of Night series)

“Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them.”
-Jim Davis (cartoonist, Garfield)

“How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven.”
-Robert A. Heinlein (author, Red Planet)

“A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.”
-William Ralph Inge (author, Outspoken Essays)

“Cats have it all – admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.”
-Rod McKuen (poet, Stanyan Street & Other Sorrows)

“You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.”
-Jane Pauley (journalist, The Today Show)

“If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer.”
-A.N. Whitehead (mathematician and philosopher)

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron.”
-George Will (columnist)

Attorney Letter

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.

So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Ken.

“Did you, um, er, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, uh, yes!” Ken replied, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Ken’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died in an untimely accident but left me everything in her will.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?…

you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Breakfast Table

A husband and wife are at the breakfast table.

The wife looks up from her newspaper and asks the husband, “If I won the lottery, what would you do?”

The husband quickly replies, “I’d take half the money and leave you in a New York minute!”

The wife frowns and asks, “Really?”

Husband snaps back, “Absolutely.”

The wife answers, “Well, I won yesterday. Here’s your half (handing him $6.00), let me help you pack.”