Tag Archives: older women

Diagnosis Explained

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof!, the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof!, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Real Meaning Of Nine Words Women Use With Men

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. DON’T DO IT!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will  pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint … just say you’re welcome. This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT reply with ‘you’re welcome’ after she says ‘thanks a lot’ because that will bring on a ‘whatever’.

(8)  Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying  Screw YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response, refer to # 3.

Also see Older Women Are Great

Older Women Are Great

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ”fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and  watched a 10″ black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 — year — old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69 — year — old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23 —year —old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10″ black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.


Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
8. Life is sexually transmitted.
7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
6. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
2. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.