Tag Archives: jokes

Please Stand Up …

 

The Flammarion engraving (1888) depicts a traveler who arrives at the edge of a flat Earth and sticks his head through the firament, by Camille Flammarion.

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

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About Weed Eaters

This is funny … and just so you know, I own a weed eater….

Two Texas farmers, Fred and Pete, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Fred turns to Pete and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.”

Pete thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Fred goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes:  Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Fred says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Fred shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Pete at the bar. He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Pete says, “What’s that?”

Fred says, “Well, I’ll give ya an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a queer.”

Bar Personality Test

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her,> if she is interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.

Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk…… and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

* * *

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.

Cynical Philosopher

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

More Proof That the World Is Nuts

In 
Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must 
be female. 
Having 
sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. 

 
(Like THAT
makes sense.) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
In 
Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a we woman’s genitals, 

but is 
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. 

He may 
only see their reflection in a mirror. 
 
(Do they 
look different reversed?) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
Muslims 
are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. 
This also 
applies to undertakers. 
The sex 
organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all 
times. 
 
(A brick?) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
The 
penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. 

(Glad I 
don’t live in Indonesia!) 
 
(Much 
worse than ‘going blind!’) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
There are 
men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young 
virgins, 
who pay 
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. 

 
Reason: 
Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. 

 
(Let’s 
just think for a minute: Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even 
comes close to this?) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
In Hong 
Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, 

but may 
only do so with her bare hands. 
 
The 
husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. 

 
(Ah! 
Justice!) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
Topless 
saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. 

 
(But of 
course!) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
In Cali, 
Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, 
and the 
first time this happens, 
her mother 
must be in the room to witness the act. 
 
(Makes one 
shudder at the thought.) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

 
In Santa 
Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter 
at the same time. 
 
(I presume 
this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
In 
Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one 
exception: 
Condoms 
may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages 
are sold for consumption on the premises.’ 
 
(Is this a 
great country or what?) 
 
Well,…. 
not as great as Guam! 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
Banging 
your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. 
(Who 
volunteers for these tests?) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
The Ant 
can lift 50 times its own weight, 
can pull 
30 times its own weight and 
always 
falls over on its right side when intoxicated. 
 
(From 
drinking little bottles of ???) 
 
(Did our 
Government pay for this research??) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
Butterflies 
taste with their feet. 
 
(Ah, 
geez.) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
An 
Ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. 
 
(I know 
some people like that.) 
 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

 
Starfish 
don’t have brains. 
 
(I know 
some people like that, too.) 
 
*~*~ 
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 
 
And, the 
best for last? 
 
Turtles 
can breathe through their ass. 
 
(And I 
thought I had bad breath in the morning!) 
 
Thank 
you all for reading this. 
 
If 
you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam 
!!!!!!

Matt Drudge on The Savage Nation (3/31/2017)

Lang May Yer Lum Reek

Lang may yer lum reek (Long may your chimney smoke or May you live long and keep well)

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”

https://s16-us2.ixquick.com/cgi-bin/serveimage?url=https%3A%2F%2Fs-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fea%2F99%2F35%2Fea9935ca30d6d41e598ebbb45e134f4e.jpg&sp=434e2e69d690232942a818a040645bdc

Yer aff yer heid!

Older Women Are Great

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ”fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and  watched a 10″ black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 — year — old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69 — year — old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23 —year —old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10″ black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.


Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
8. Life is sexually transmitted.
7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
6. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
2. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.