Tag Archives: humor

Washington Is Hollywood For Ugly People

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Please Stand Up …

 

The Flammarion engraving (1888) depicts a traveler who arrives at the edge of a flat Earth and sticks his head through the firament, by Camille Flammarion.

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Diagnosis Explained

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof!, the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof!, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

About Weed Eaters

This is funny … and just so you know, I own a weed eater….

Two Texas farmers, Fred and Pete, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Fred turns to Pete and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.”

Pete thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Fred goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes:  Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Fred says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Fred shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Pete at the bar. He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Pete says, “What’s that?”

Fred says, “Well, I’ll give ya an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a queer.”

Bar Personality Test

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her,> if she is interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.

Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk…… and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

* * *

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.