Tag Archives: humor

The Rebellion Begins Today

Everyone should wiggle it just a little bit…

His New Son-N-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I welcome you into the family!” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-in-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

How Stimulus Spending Works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Nancy Pelosi’s house. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a California official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how stimulus spending works.

Remember When There Were Dormitories And People Dated?

At a girl’s college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night.

One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.

“I want to surprise her. You see, I’m her brother.”

“Oh, she’ll be surprised all right,” said the woman.

“But think of how surprised I am, I’m her mother!”

Dr. says “Always Finish What You Start”

Heard a Dr. on TV this morning saying in this time of Coronavirus staying at home we should focus on inner peace. To achieve this we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked through my house to find things i’d started and hadn’t finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!  🍷🥃🍸🍹🍻”

Friday Before Christmas

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?”

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Cats And Dogs

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
 -George Carlin

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
-Robert A. Heinlein

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
-Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.”
-James Herriot, James Herriot’s Cat Stories

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
-Mark Twain

“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”
-Ernest Hemingway

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.”
-Leonardo da Vinci

“Time spent with a cat is never wasted.”
-Colette

“A lie is like a cat: You need to stop it before it gets out the door or it’s really hard to catch.”
-Charles M. Blow (columnist)

“It is very inconvenient habit of kittens (Alice had once made the remark) that, whatever you say to them they always purr.”
-Lewis Carroll (author, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland)

“Cats choose us; we don’t own them.”
-Kristin Cast (author, House of Night series)

“Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them.”
-Jim Davis (cartoonist, Garfield)

“How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven.”
-Robert A. Heinlein (author, Red Planet)

“A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.”
-William Ralph Inge (author, Outspoken Essays)

“Cats have it all – admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.”
-Rod McKuen (poet, Stanyan Street & Other Sorrows)

“You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.”
-Jane Pauley (journalist, The Today Show)

“If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer.”
-A.N. Whitehead (mathematician and philosopher)

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron.”
-George Will (columnist)

Attorney Letter

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.

So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Ken.

“Did you, um, er, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, uh, yes!” Ken replied, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Ken’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died in an untimely accident but left me everything in her will.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?…

you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Breakfast Table

A husband and wife are at the breakfast table.

The wife looks up from her newspaper and asks the husband, “If I won the lottery, what would you do?”

The husband quickly replies, “I’d take half the money and leave you in a New York minute!”

The wife frowns and asks, “Really?”

Husband snaps back, “Absolutely.”

The wife answers, “Well, I won yesterday. Here’s your half (handing him $6.00), let me help you pack.”  

Regular Guy

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a gun nut.

I am older, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Recently, a SICK OLD BITCH called me and my friends a “basket of deplorables”.

Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!

I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny . . . it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with.

I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!


 

Chicago Style Hot Dog

https://www.thepauperedchef.com/photos/images/2009/07/chicago-hot-dog-1.jpg(hot to make a Chicago style hot dog)

A Zen master visiting NYC approaches a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

“Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

The Robot

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/0a/a3/31/0aa33120e0bef2c5eb6133cefd3e18f8--tin-man-classic-comics.jpg

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie. All excited,he decides to test it out on his son at supper.

“Where were you last  night?”, the father asks.

“I was at the library.” Robot slaps the son.

“OK I was at Jimmy’s house.”

“Doing what?” the father asks.

“Watching a movie…..Toy Story.”  Robot slaps the son.

“OK it was porn!” cries the son.

Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs, “He certainly is your son!”

Robot slaps the mother…..

Evolution Of The Mobile Phone Explained

The evolution of the mobile phone is an odd one.

We began with book-size handsets, minimized them to finger-sized, and then rejected that ‘less-is-more’ mentality for ever-larger screens…

https://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/inline-images/2018-03-16_9-42-41.jpg?itok=eE_QdOQD

So why did we suddenly shift from shrinkage to ‘size matters’?

The answer is simple…

https://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/inline-images/DYZ_BSbWsAAg7H9.jpg?itok=On5-ygHc

Source: The Burning Platform

The Blonde And The Rolls-Royce

https://whiskeytangotexas.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/74344-rolls.jpg

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”


The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”


The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”


The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.


They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner.


Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.


When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.


The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.


We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”


The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

https://whiskeytangotexas.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/893d3-wood-framed2.jpg

Source: Wosterman

Please Stand Up …

 

The Flammarion engraving (1888) depicts a traveler who arrives at the edge of a flat Earth and sticks his head through the firament, by Camille Flammarion.

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

Diagnosis Explained

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.

The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I’m done, poof!, the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, poof!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof!, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

About Weed Eaters

This is funny … and just so you know, I own a weed eater….

Two Texas farmers, Fred and Pete, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Fred turns to Pete and says, “You know, I’m tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.”

Pete thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Fred goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions who signs him up for the four basic classes:  Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Fred says. “What’s that?”

The dean says, “I’ll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking because you own a weed eater I think that you would have a yard.”

“That’s true, I do have a yard.”

“I’m not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yes, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Yes, I have a family.”

“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“I am a heterosexual. That’s amazing you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, Fred shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Pete at the bar. He tells Pete about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Pete says, “What’s that?”

Fred says, “Well, I’ll give ya an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No.”

“Then you’re a queer.”

Bar Personality Test

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.

Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her,> if she is interested, she’ll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.

Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…. this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk…… and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

* * *

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn’t give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He’s gay.

Cynical Philosopher

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Please Enter Your New Password

WINDOWS:   Please enter your new password.

USER:                cabbage

WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:                boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:                1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER:                50fuckingboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:                50FUCKINGboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:                50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS:  Sorry, the password cannot contain special characters.

USER:                50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:  Sorry, that password is already taken.

Older Women Are Great

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ”fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and  watched a 10″ black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 — year — old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69 — year — old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23 —year —old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10″ black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.


Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
8. Life is sexually transmitted.
7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
6. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
2. In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

The Four Stages Of Life

The Four Stages Of Life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.


Christmas Shopping:

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn’t back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile phone. The wife asked, “Where are you?”

He replied, ” You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn’t afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you.”

Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. “Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.

“I’m in the bar next to that.”

Sad To Be

Queen’s Riddle

“Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government?
Are there any tips you can give me?”

“Well,” said the Queen,
“The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”

Obama frowned, and then asked,

“But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen took a sip of champagne.

“Oh, that’s easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch.”

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom.
“Please send Theresa May in here, would you?”

Theresa May walked into the room and said, “Yes, your Majesty?”

The Queen smiled and said,

“Answer me this please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child.
It is not your brother, and it is not your sister. Who is it?”

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa May answered,

”That would be me.”

“Yes! Very good.” said the Queen.

☆¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸¸¸¸¸.•*´¨`*•.¸¸¸¸☆

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question.

“Joe, answer this for me.

Your mother and your father have a child.

It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister.

Who is it?”

“I’m not sure,” said Biden.

“Let me get back to you on that one.”

He went to his advisors and asked everyone,

But none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked,

“Hey, Paul, see if you can answer this question.

“Your mother and father have a child, and it’s not your brother or your sister.

Who is it?”

Paul Ryan answered, “That’s easy; it’s me!”

Biden smiled, and said, “Good answer, Paul!”

Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama.
“Say, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle.”

“It’s Paul Ryan!”

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

“NO, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”

…AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT’S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE

Oops …

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Wow!” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy..”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured that if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he remained at his desk drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived and he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

https://whiskeytangotexas.files.wordpress.com/2016/08/618dd-serveimage.jpg

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

Effective Suicide Counseling

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “No! Bug off you filthy old bastard!”

He shrugged and turned away saying, “Okay, I’ll just go and wait at the bottom then.” 

She didn’t jump……….

Tech Support

A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius

This young woman is no different from the rest of us, both family happiness and heartbreak are familiar to her. She is simply looking for an answer to her questions. How do you maintain a relationship? How do you bring back the excitement of the first date?

She wrote a letter to the tech support to find her answers. She sent the letter as a joke and only remembered about it when she suddenly received an email notification with a response. This correspondence changed her life, and can possibly change yours.

Dear Tech Support,

’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

“First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!’