Tag Archives: Joke

Cats And Dogs

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
 -George Carlin

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
-Robert A. Heinlein

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
-Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever

“Cats are connoisseurs of comfort.”
-James Herriot, James Herriot’s Cat Stories

“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
-Mark Twain

“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.”
-Ernest Hemingway

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.”
-Leonardo da Vinci

“Time spent with a cat is never wasted.”
-Colette

“A lie is like a cat: You need to stop it before it gets out the door or it’s really hard to catch.”
-Charles M. Blow (columnist)

“It is very inconvenient habit of kittens (Alice had once made the remark) that, whatever you say to them they always purr.”
-Lewis Carroll (author, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland)

“Cats choose us; we don’t own them.”
-Kristin Cast (author, House of Night series)

“Way down deep, we’re all motivated by the same urges. Cats have the courage to live by them.”
-Jim Davis (cartoonist, Garfield)

“How we behave toward cats here below determines our status in heaven.”
-Robert A. Heinlein (author, Red Planet)

“A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.”
-William Ralph Inge (author, Outspoken Essays)

“Cats have it all – admiration, an endless sleep, and company only when they want it.”
-Rod McKuen (poet, Stanyan Street & Other Sorrows)

“You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense.”
-Jane Pauley (journalist, The Today Show)

“If a dog jumps into your lap it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing it is because your lap is warmer.”
-A.N. Whitehead (mathematician and philosopher)

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron.”
-George Will (columnist)

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Attorney Letter

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken.

So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Ken and asked, “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Ken.

“Did you, um, er, um, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”

“Well, uh, yes!” Ken replied, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”

Ken’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died in an untimely accident but left me everything in her will.”

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?…

you know you smiled…now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Breakfast Table

A husband and wife are at the breakfast table.

The wife looks up from her newspaper and asks the husband, “If I won the lottery, what would you do?”

The husband quickly replies, “I’d take half the money and leave you in a New York minute!”

The wife frowns and asks, “Really?”

Husband snaps back, “Absolutely.”

The wife answers, “Well, I won yesterday. Here’s your half (handing him $6.00), let me help you pack.”  

Regular Guy

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a gun nut.

I am older, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Recently, a SICK OLD BITCH called me and my friends a “basket of deplorables”.

Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!

I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny . . . it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with.

I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!