Tag Archives: Joke

Regular Guy

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a gun nut.

I am older, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Recently, a SICK OLD BITCH called me and my friends a “basket of deplorables”.

Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking!

I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly!

Funny . . . it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years! As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with.

I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!


 

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Chicago Style Hot Dog

https://www.thepauperedchef.com/photos/images/2009/07/chicago-hot-dog-1.jpg(hot to make a Chicago style hot dog)

A Zen master visiting NYC approaches a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

“Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.

The vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

The Robot

https://i.pinimg.com/736x/0a/a3/31/0aa33120e0bef2c5eb6133cefd3e18f8--tin-man-classic-comics.jpg

A father buys a Lie Detector Robot that slaps you when you lie. All excited,he decides to test it out on his son at supper.

“Where were you last  night?”, the father asks.

“I was at the library.” Robot slaps the son.

“OK I was at Jimmy’s house.”

“Doing what?” the father asks.

“Watching a movie…..Toy Story.”  Robot slaps the son.

“OK it was porn!” cries the son.

Father yells “What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was.”

Robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs, “He certainly is your son!”

Robot slaps the mother…..

Evolution Of The Mobile Phone Explained

The evolution of the mobile phone is an odd one.

We began with book-size handsets, minimized them to finger-sized, and then rejected that ‘less-is-more’ mentality for ever-larger screens…

https://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/inline-images/2018-03-16_9-42-41.jpg?itok=eE_QdOQD

So why did we suddenly shift from shrinkage to ‘size matters’?

The answer is simple…

https://www.zerohedge.com/sites/default/files/inline-images/DYZ_BSbWsAAg7H9.jpg?itok=On5-ygHc

Source: The Burning Platform

The Blonde And The Rolls-Royce

https://whiskeytangotexas.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/74344-rolls.jpg?w=620&h=465

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”


The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”


The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”


The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her.


They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner.


Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.


When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.


The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question.


We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”


The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

https://whiskeytangotexas.files.wordpress.com/2018/03/893d3-wood-framed2.jpg?w=625

Source: Wosterman